No Pain, No New Plan to Circumnavigate Pain

It was 3:30pm and my legs were killing me.  I was famished, hadn’t eaten a bite all day and had been on my feet without respite, starting at exercise boot camp and then at work afterwards for 6.5 hours.

“I have to go,” I told him.  “My feet are like the truth:  they hurt.”

“The truth shall set you free,” he answered.

Oy, I staggered out of work and made my way to the train.  Of course it was the 1, which is like, the slowest train since the advent of forward motion.  I step in.  It’s full.  WHY, oh why, was it full at 3:30 in the afternoon?  I cursed the other part-timers.  I cursed children.  I cursed the dregs of society.  I cursed society at large, just to get that out of the way, too.  Then I focused on balancing.

When I got home, I about fell into a burger.  I’d poured wine, too, but forgot about it until I looked up from the remains.  Gulped that down and put my aching feet up.  Didn’t write a jot.  I feel so angry about it…

I don’t begrudge the time working.  But then on the side I’ve got to look for permanent full-time work that can really keep me afloat, and I have to write, which I hate putting on the side like this, and then I so crucially need to take care of my life–my friends, my family.  I hate shortchanging them; it shortchanges me too.  How to balance it all????

I’m thinking my wake-up time’s gotta shift from 5:02 to maybe 4:37.  Only I have a strong aversion to any time that starts with a 4 in the hour slot.  But I’ll have to get over it.  Then, after work, I simply must find a way to write, immediately, without any stops to gasp at sore feet or empty tummies or whatnot.  That way I can also relegate Sundays to hanging out with friends, and maybe one other weekday evening…  Is that a plan?

I’ll try it starting today.  Tomorrow is a lie.  Always has been.

Definitely feeling very overwhelmed with time right now.  That’s the truth.  Will it set me free?

Time, on NYC's Broadway

Time, on NYC's Broadway


About sputnitsa

Born in the US, I grew up in Africa and the West Indies, and returned stateside in my teens. After a decade in international development, democracy work, and inclusivity training for domestic NGOs, I joined Peace Corps, and after a year, experienced my first Russian invasion. I followed that up by volunteering with refugees and youth, and after some vacation time climbing minarets and mountains, I returned to New York City, where today I work on social justice with college students, produce short films, and write.
This entry was posted in challenges, elusive time, friends friends friends, goals, inner conflict, subway, Uncategorized, work, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to No Pain, No New Plan to Circumnavigate Pain

  1. JLC says:

    You chant the tune of almost every writer out there. Its hard to find a balancing act that doesn’t leave you wondering if you are short changing something. The best plan is to find a way that doesn’t interfere with your health. If you are not getting enough sleep (OMG 5:02!) you won’t be able to write squat. You may want to carry a notepad with you and jot down your story while waiting for the subway, or while you are on the subway (if you get a seat). Good luck with your plan!

    • sputnitsa says:

      Thanks for the moral support 🙂 I appreciate it…

      I centered myself for writing on the train on the way home. Got some notes on the story. I’m going to sit and write now. We’ll see how 4:37am goes tomorrow morning!!! I do go to bed relatively early…usually no later than 10pm. So should be utterly doable. 🙂

      Off to write and prove it. 🙂 Thanks again, seriously.

  2. Beth says:

    Without a doubt, the train that you are waiting for will always be the slowest and most filled. Especially if it is a random time of the day!

    Everyday, I always set aside enough time to write one front/back of a sheet of paper in my notebook. Usually its right before I go to bed. Not much gets accomplished, but at least I feel like I’m writing something.

    • sputnitsa says:

      Thanks, Beth! I appreciate the advice. 🙂

      Yeah, For me, I find when I have a seat on the train, and the right music on, I can really get into a story-brainstorming mode. Got my wish today, and have three new pages. More than that, I’m reading some stuff which suddenly seemed urgently important to me–think along the lines of your WWII stuff, but older, Elizabethan times–and some things are clicking again. Might blog an upper blog tonight! 🙂

      I’d been lazy recently; was using the train ride back as a way to unwind from the day, instead of using it to amp up for the story. The story always brings me back to life 🙂 If…it’s not killing me. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  3. sputnitsa says:

    Wow, two folks have starred the post. So sweet. Thanks guys 🙂

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