Shhhh! A secret…

So this is how my dear friend J began our conversation the other day.

“Okay, now my mom told me not to tell you, but–”

Egad!  That is a scary start.  I sat ramrod stiff and waiting for the scoop.  A little part of me wanted to squeak, “well, if she didn’t want you to…maybe you shouldn’t?” but most of me was already paralyzed with fear.

So since I was already in squeak mode, I did.  “What? What? Tell me!”

(Which you will note was not my original intention.)

“She wants to know if you’re going to finish this book before she dies.”

Ah.  “I trust she is in good health?” I ask.

“Just step on it,” J answers.  (I paraphrase.  Well, perhaps she was loads kinder and more understanding, and perhaps she also stressed that she and her mom are merely anticipatory and supportive.  But, hey, as the writer *cough*, I do get to fictionalize.  Right?)

Now, my dear friend J’s mom–who is dear in her own right, and a right comedienne and all-round smart and dear sort–is not the first person in recent days to basically wonder when I’m going to finish this book.

I think the time has come to set a deadline on myself.  At least for the completed first draft.  I’ve gotten a bit lazy; many evenings I have been reading rather than writing or taking notes.  I’ve gotten to the point where I have so many notes in my journal that aren’t yet in the book that just transferring the sketches/notes is a serious bigtime job.  And moreover, you know, the book’s long…not for a book, per se, but in comparison with anything else I’ve ever written before (I think my thesis was 60 pages, and that was over a decade ago) and I’m realizing how much editing will be in store once I finish the story.

My point is–there’s a lot of work left and a lot of imagination and creation before I finish my first draft.  And my approach has been “slow and steady” but I’m thinking it’s time to push. 

That’s my plan.  Shall I add a timeline?  A challenge to self? 

Very well.  I shall finish this draft —  wow, you don’t know this but I just took about 5 minutes of angst-filled staring and backward math — by December 15.

I know, I know!  I should say “this summer.”  I should.  How about I am to finish the draft by the end of summer, but we all realize I am lying through my teeth, which are, by the way, dropping out in fear.

No, no–second thoughts.  I should pick a meaningful date.  Hm. 

Deadline Goal shall be August 12, a date which makes me think of lions and basketball and growing up.

Deadline No-Matter-What shall be December 27, which of course means that on my birthday I will be done and can sleep the sleep of the damned.  I mean the exhausted.  Or I can be like the little piggy and scream all the way home.

  I think I’ve terrified myself to shreds.  I have to go, friends and cohorts.  I have a book to write. 

GAH!

Let's just say this photo was not taken on one of my smarter days.

Despite being taken on the 100% scariest day of my life (July 4, 2008, in case you’re wondering), this shot reminds me that what doesn’t kill me is photographed and perched atop my armoire to remind me how great life is.

Err, no.  What doesn’t kill me is, well, fortunate for that reason, at the very least.  

Was it Eleanor Roosevelt who said you should do one thing that scares you each day?  Well, count me among the terrified.  Gotta dash, grab little piggy and go write!

Grabbing the Bull by its Horns, or:

Or the pig by its legs.  Whatever works for you, I say.  :)

Today’s a writing morning. This photo brought to you courtesy of my beloved bazaar in Gori, Georgia.

I’ve got 2K more words to write this morning to meet my 5K per week minimum I’ve set myself.

Good luck with your own goals for the weekend–especially if they’re to have fun!!!

Wrestling with First Draft Anxiety. Beating It to a Pulp :)

I’ve been at a crossroads the past week.  No–a busy roundabout.  Standing, without a vehicle.  Peering up and trying to make out the signs all around me, but the sun’s glare and the impossible rain is making it impossible to figure out which way is right for me.  Cars zip by, skimming so close to me I can feel mortality chase around me like slipstream.  Pamphlets litter the sky, thrown out by fast drivers.  I can’t make out their license plates.  I don’t know if I even ought to.  There’s the rub…

And standing there with my nerves knotting, I don’t know which way to go.  I’ve never been this way before.

I look down.  I’m grasping my notebooks.  I look back around me, at the malaise.

Which way to go?

I’ve decided now.  Can you guess?

I feel I’m at the hardest point of my first draft, but what do I know.  Writing for the first time is learning to write.  It doesn’t come naturally.  No matter how many books I’ve read, they’ve come to me fully formed.  I never asked myself how an author made me feel one way or another.  I just felt.  And if I didn’t, I didn’t ask myself what hadn’t happened right.  I threw the book aside (gently) and felt shortchanged.

God, how harsh I was on the poor author!  :)

I’m at 62.5K words now.  295 pages.

Recently, facing the last third of the manuscript–or is it the last quarter?–I’ve been telling myself I need to outline to help me draw everything to a close.  But I’ve hijacked my every free second to do something else, anything else.

And it’s time I face the truth.  Writing is frightening.

E.L. Doctorow had it right:

Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.

I know now which way I’m going.  And I know how I’m going there.

I’m going headlong, and headfirst.  I’m going to close my eyes and walk through the traffic.  And I’m going to go straight into the free-fall.  Let it take me where it will.  I’m going to run and jump into my draft, and I’m going to shadowbox the waves all the way through to the end.

And when it’s done, dammit, I’m going to emerge, spluttering, yes–and breathing.  And I’m going to grab my soggy draft close to me, and I’m going to wade to shore.  And I’m going to make it right, no matter how hard I have to work at it.

And until I get to the end of this draft, this first soggy bedraggled draft, I’m not going to stress about how I ought to do it right.  At the end, I’ll just start from the beginning again.  This time, learning how to write a second draft.  (Joys!)

That’s my plan.

My Death Trap, Before I Knew It

Surprise! Writing News and Goals, August 2009

This is going to be a big month for me.  This month, I’m committed to writing an additional 20K words, or finishing my fiction manuscript: whichever comes first.

That thought makes my elbows shudder, by the way, and gives me hot shivers that spasm my heart.  Don’t let that make you think I’m afraid.

Clearly, however, we may surmise jointly that my elbows are afraid.  But fight on, sturdy elbows!  Success awaits around the next corner, or the next, or the next, or at some point, maybe.  Yes, indeed, what better a prize can I entice thee with anyway, for maybies have made the world go round for millennia.  Maybies and nature.  Nature coming in close second.

But there’s more news.  Ready thyself.

Ready thine elbows.

I have a non-fiction book in mind now too.  Not a biggie.  (Did I just say that?)

But a fun book that it occurred to me I’d love to own if it existed.  The kind that catches your eye in the store and makes you chuckle, which draws you in for a peak.  If I find the stuff I’m looking for, and I must admit it might take time, then opening it would draw more chuckles and maybe even an indrawn breath, which in turn would make you purse your lips and silently count the money you have to spare on something so trivial.  And then you’d grab the book and head for the counter.  And then you’d chuckle as you read through it now and again.

La-la-la.

And this book I shall outline and research this month.  It’ll be second in line behind my fiction in terms of focus, but it’ll be fun as it feeds into one of my odd hobbies.  Can ye guess its topic?  A free book to whomever does.  That is, should I convince an agent of its worthiness, and should said agent successfully woo a publisher, etc etc.

Happy days!

And hard, onerous ones, too, given the goals for the month!!!  But what’s summer without a little challenge?  (I know.  It’s summer with big ones instead.)

Btw, am 4.5K into my 20K goal for August as of today, so not doing to shabbily yet

Meditating on the Joy of Surviving, Mount Kazbegi, Georgia

The Benefits of a Healthy Appetite for Cheesecake, Wine and Snape; or, Another Sane Post by Yours Truly

Now, it’s not news to anyone that I love Snape/Alan Rickman/Harry Potter.  Nope.  Nor, I find, that I love wine and cheesecake. So it’s time to come clean.  I have valuable news for all of you fans looking to drop a pound or more.

Ahem.  A diet is only as good as the dieter.  So how can you be a good dieter?  Why, pick the diet that works for you!

Dear Reader, the following two are my favorite diets ever…

The Cheesecake and Wine Diet (Lost 27 pounds on it), a Reward-Based Diet

This may not be an orthodox diet.  Wait, it’s definitely not an orthodox diet.  But it’s certainly balanced, for it balances cheesecake with…you guessed it–wine.

The idea is this.  Once a week, meet a friend for wine and cheesecake out.  Why out?  Because if it costs more, you’ll only have one piece of cheesecake.  That evening, you may not eat dinner.  The cheesecake is your dinner.  Result?  Deliciousness.  And sometimes weight loss can also occur.

Granted, this may depend on you following another, more stringent diet on the side.  As in, on the other 6 days a week.

The Alan Rickman Diet (Weight loss, unknown. Commitment, complete.), a Reward-Based Diet

This one’s new; I’m on it now.

Here’s how it works:  No Alan Rickman (and therefore no Snape and no second viewing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) until I have followed these five rules for two weeks straight.

Rule 1:  No cake or cake-like products.
Rule 2:  No chips or chip-like products.
Rule 3:  No hummus.
Rule 4:  No second helpings.
Rule 5:  No larger first helpings to make up for missing second helpings.

And can I tell you–I DON’T CHEAT.  Why?  Because I don’t want to feel BAD enjoying Alan Rickman/Harry Potter.  :)

I started July 15th, 9:30pm.  I get to watch him/HP again starting July 29th, 9:30pm.  I shall post on the 30th as to my success. I bet you I make it. Because who could fail such a worthy endeavour?  (cue celestial music)

As I said to a colleague of mine, B, just today:  ”Who am I kidding–Even if I don’t lose any weight at all, the reward for this self-restraint is a solid two hours of Harry Potter.  And that’s reward enough.”  :)

And there you go.  Another sane and timely post by yours truly.  :)

The Day My Horizons Shifted

I was just talking with a friend and realizing I don’t know the day my life changed, but I know what sparked it.  It was the moment when I began reacting to people saying “it’s impossible” by saying “watch me.”

Really, can’t I reach “intermediate mid” level Georgian within two months?  Watch me.  And I scored “intermediate high.”

Really, can’t I learn enough Turkish to visit the country without using English?  Watch me.  And I navigated Eastern Anatolia using only Turkish.

Really, can’t I galvanize the community to collect enough winter clothing and school supplies to make a difference for refugees from the war?  Watch me.  And we needed two minibuses to transport everything we collected.

Really, can’t I write and publish my first book?  WATCH ME.